Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

Middle School

Middle School

After the heavy handed move by the ALA to put me directly under a library in some of my most impressionable and tender years I would eventually be thrown into that circle of Hell that Dante’s feared to even imagine let alone describe, middle school. I don’t know who the genius E.d.D. who thought it was a good idea to take all of the children at their most cruel and vulnerable ages 12, 13 and put them all together in one or two schools to fight it out but they should be taken out and shot. It is unfortunate that the educational establishment has continued the practice despite the prevalence of bullying and abuse heaped upon the children by their peers. If these groups were split up in a different manner the mitigating behavior and different situation would surely lead to a more hospitable environment for learning. The reason that students aren’t prepared for college is not the high schools but the middle schools, where ones survival as an individual and even as an uninjured person is constantly at risk.

Fortunately out of this crucible of arbitrary educational goals and constant social persecution there formed within me an entrepreneurial spirit that while influenced by the ALA cabal had the potential to save me from its sinister clutches. A lot of students I knew liked to read Mad Magazine books and Charlie Brown books, as well as other comic strip type books. My mom who’s addiction by this time grew from Russian Literature to garage sales and bags of grass clippings started taking me out early Saturday mornings with here to steal bags of grass and shop at garage sales. I began buying books filled with comic strips for between 10 cents and 25 cents. I would then read them and then carry them with me to school and sell them for 50 cents each. I would buy back from the other students any book I sold them or that they brought in for a quarter or trade two for one with them. As I did this my inventory grew. I soon had al my desks and my locker full of books for sale with my most recent acquisitions in my back pack. This went on for 3 or four months and I was clearing between 15$ to 20$ a week in profit. Then the school administration found out and we had to have a parent teacher conference with the assistant principal. It turns out that entrepreneurialship and reading are not part of the 7th and 8th grade curriculum. Capitalism, math as in accounting, inventory, planning, salesmanship and developing a business plan with room for growth and additional employees were all apparently not part of my intended education and were in fact a corrupting influence that was against the rules. I was told to stop and received detentions for this obviously deviant behavior. Surprisingly we did have a library at our middle school but for the two years I was there not a single class that I was in went to it.

Well 20$ a week is way to much for a 12 year old to give up on, so I stopped carrying my books around and kept them only in my locker. I then made an alphabetical shelf list with prices and costs in a blue ledger that I purchased and did all my business out of the ledger and then passed out my inventory at my locker. After a couple of months of this the authorities again discovered my subversive behavior and punished me severely enough that I gave up on the book selling business. Yes I could have been a part of Barne’s & Reynolds or Reynolds’ Amazon of books .com. But all of that was thwarted by the educational establishment and ultimately by the ALA through its extensive connections in the educational community.

One may wonder why the ALA would go through so much trouble to get to just one twelve year old. Open your eyes man! They aren’t after one they are after them all. They have Literacy programs and information literacy and constant ad campaigns and volunteer friends groups to snare young impressionable minds and warp them into what eventually becomes a librarians worldview where nothing is in place, nothing is organized and everything should be left to us to straighten out. This idea of librarians’ megalomaniacal impulse to straighten out and rule the world is not a new one. It began in Summer and moved to Egypt where the librarians were part of the Priestly Cast controlling the Eternal and earthly destinies of entire populations through their stranglehold on literacy. Then over 2000 years ago in China the head librarian for Zhou dynasty “Lao Tzu” would write the “Tao Te Ch’ing.” This tome attempts to explain the the way of change or the order of the cosmos. Later other librarians would follow. Carl Marx who worked in the library at the British Museum, would develop the communist manifesto that swept across the world, then Mao Ze Dong, who started his adult life as a librarian and finished it as the leader of the largest communist nation on earth followed. Finally Laura Bush the unassuming school librarian, who all Washington insiders know is the true power behind the throne of the last superpower on earth. These are not accidents of history, but the diabolical plans of a cultural elite who will one day rule the world.

Next High School

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The 4th Grade

My grade school in Quincy Illinois had been built in the early seventies right next to the old brick school building which was practically an overgrown one room school house. The year I entered 4th grade was the year that they finished renovations on the old school house and guess what they did with it? One half of the basement was an music, art and activity room, the other half of the basement was a fourth grade classroom. The entire upstairs was converted into, you guessed it a library. Guess which 4th grade class I ended up in. That’s right the one underneath the library.

Some might think this is a coincidence. They probably also think it is a coincidence that the LC call number for the Bible starts out with BS. Again it was a conspiracy by those misanthropist ALA demons again controlling my life, carefully leading me down the path of addiction and then obsession. The library was of course staffed with this friendly young lady, who read to us and let us get our own books to look at and read. She had a stack of large wooden keys painted in bright colors. We would take one of the keys and when we found a book that we liked we would place the key by the book and turn it to spread the books open and then we could pull our book out. We needed to remember our color so that when we were done we could go back and turn the key again to spread the books open and place our book back where we got it. I of course was her “big helper” in collecting the keys and putting away books others had left out. To this day I can not walk into Hastings without forgetting to get a movie and just get lost in alphabetizing their videos. It drives me insane. Their military section has a whole stack of shelves labeled WWI and the shelves contain nothing but WWII books. I almost had a seizure. The WWI books were in a completely different stack. I hunted down a staff member and asked her what was wrong with this picture? (Turns out it was Cassies’ old boss who wants her back) Do you know what the reason was? Hastings labels their books with price tags combination barcodes and a topic. They do not have a WWI or WWII topic or subject heading, they just have World War as a topic. So they sent a bunch of WWII books and a bunch of WWI shelf labels. So the store has to put a bunch of books about D-day, the Nazis etc. under WWI shelf labels. Has the world gone insane? This might explain why when I go to a book store and ask for a book on a topic they can’t do a topic search on their computer they can only do title searches. I have to instead b lead to this section with a generic label like “Sports” and look to see if they have anything related to what I want? That would be like someone coming to the reference desk and asking for a book on Tai Chi Chuan and us telling them to go look in the GV section. What’s up with that? How did bookstores become so popular with that kind of service? I don’t even get people asking if I need help anymore (Maybe it’s the clothes; maybe it’s the torturing of the staff) but I think it might just boil down to displays and merchandising. Maybe we need one list of what’s new this week and another of what’s hot this week? (Besides me)

Anyway by the fourth grade any chance I ever had of enjoying a video or bookstore was gone. Linda and I two anniversaries ago after dinner and a movie in Lufkin ended up in their super Wal-Mart alphabetizing their discount video sales bin. Is that sick or what? I’ve got a monkey on my back and he has a digital dictionary and thesaurus he carries with him. I’d hate to think what it would be like if I knew more than one language. Unfortunately this story does not end in the fourth grade. It continues on into one of the levels of Hell that Dante feared to write about, Middle School.

My Name is Phil and I am a Biblioholic

Friday, December 15, 2006

4:45 AM the Last Night

There is one group. Up on the fourth floor. Being loud playing music (quietly) talking and having a good time. I have had to talk to this same group all week. Tonight it is to darn late, and I am to darn tired to get into a confrontation or scene on the last night. If there is anybody else on that floor and they don’t like the noise the can move to one of the three other empty floors in the building.

Now, I know that some of you librarians are wondering if you will chicken out under fire. Don’t you worry about that, I can assure you that you will all do your duty in a confrontation. That when you put your hand in a pile of confetti that a moment before was the third volume of the Oxford English Dictionary! (Cham – Creeky) You’ll know what to do.

Now it will be my pleasure and my privilege to serve with all of you anywhere anytime.

That’ll be all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YDecLiA_Qbw

R Philip Reynolds

Librarian

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Well its 4:00. Yup that’s what time it is. Don’t know what else to say. Some people are sleeping and some are studying and some are chatting away like it is the middle of the day. The woman’s bathroom sign is now gone off the third floor in the back. I think guys are stealing them for their dorms or apartments. I think physical plant ought to get a stencil and some spray paint and paint those suckers on their be (oh wait inside words outside words) on there and then just have a little plastic Braille tag underneath. I doubt the tag would be much of a prize for a dorm room, and it would not be a big deal to repaint it each semester if it was just a stencil. Of course if their were to many forms and the cost of the painter was to high I could just got to Wal-Mart get a can of Spray Paint and take care of it. Just give me the word. While I’m at it I could paint some additional signs. Let’s make this a group effort. Everyone think of a good sign to put up in the library and email it to me. Then we will just see where this goes. Ok, nobody tell Tiffany. We don’t want me to get in trouble or something.

Die Hard 2

Well after “discussing it” with Linda, Bruce Willis, Antonio Banderas, Sean Connery, Harrison Ford, and of course Nicholas Cage, may not do dishes but apparently R Philip Reynolds does. I tried to bring up the ninja point again put she asked” what would a bunch of ninjas want with our dirty dishes?” She had me there. I’ve seen a lot of Kung Fu and Samurai movies and they were never after the dirty dishes. I tried to say that a librarian of my stature shouldn’t… but I didn’t get to finish that sentence. Then I thought of the old “I take care of the outside of the house you take care of the inside”, but before I said it I looked out the windows and noticed the lawn was covered with leaves and remembered that the lawnmower was broken. That reminds me “What do you do when the lawnmower stops working? Slap him upside the head.”

But seriously, Linda was very sweet and did the last load of dishes while I was “sleeping” today. She had already heard all of my Bruce Willis jokes anyway and so I knew she wouldn’t be mad. I am lucky to have here, but I am going to have to come up with some new stories or she might get bored with me.

R Philip Reynolds

The Dishwashing (better looking than Nicholas Cage) Librarian

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Where Wise Men Fear to Tread

Fourth floor Steen Library, encyclopedias, philosophy, religion, history, law, education, music, and a party between the elevators. I have made two trips up there in the last half hour. At least they are on the right floor “HX Socialism; Communism; Anarchism.” I think they have settled down. Some I think I just chased off and some got the idea that either UPD or my self were going to keep coming up there, and some got to hear my speech. I tell them about the vandalism and how if it keeps up they won’t have 24/7 hours anymore, then I tell them that I really don’t care what they do just as long as they 1) Don’t tear anything up, 2) Don’t bother anybody else, 3) Try to keep you clothes on. I don’t know why but there is something about peoples’ pants and being in the library in the middle of the night that just doesn’t work out. I’m not talking about some guy hiding in a corner somewhere. I’m talking about guys and girls of all races out in the open, changing pants, having their pants fall down, getting tears in their pants, I don’t know what is going on but I think we are missing out on some great money making opportunities. We need a stand that sells purple sweat pants with “Steen Library Sweeps Week” on them the library logo. These pants would only be available during dead week and finals. Fleece blankets and purple U shaped airplane pillows should be sold, insulated mugs for cold drinks. Wade and I had this idea of building a deck on the roof or maybe just clearing out the fourth floor adding some lights a DJ a cover charge and some drinks and we would have the hottest club outside of Dallas or Houston. We would just call it The Library and have lights streaming up from the roof. My younger brother Will said that a library in one of his home towns had the local strip club have a “librarian night” where all the girls at the club (not the librarians) dressed up as librarians (or at least started dressed that way) and then gave a portion of the proceeds to the library. They made a fortune. We could do that with that club down by the river. I bet I could take my camera and get a poster session at ALA for that! (I wonder what my travel request should say? I could also get comp time for it and Linda couldn’t complain about me working harder to further my career.) That would also go along with that have a librarian on your desktop ad campaign I keep talking about. I’m telling you it is a winner. We would get lots of attention. Anyway things are quieting down. I should be able to cut my trips around the building back a bit.

Well I think I’ll see if Netflix has a copy of “The Full Monty”

R Philip Reynolds

“I’m to sexy for my shirt”

Librarian

Day Three

Or night three, at this point does it really matter. The natives are restless tonight I cold tell things were edgier when I walked in. It’s more crowded and louder on every floor. The worst being the lobby then the 4th, 3rd. and lastly the 2nd . in front of the elevators especially. Maybe we could move the first row of chairs and tables from around the front bank of elevators? People are more belligerent. It is hard asking one table to be quite when there are 5 or 6 other noisy tables within site. I have to go to each one separately and they usually have a sullen attitude about the ones I haven’t talked to yet. I need a bull horn so I can tell entire sections to shut the xxx (no wait, inside words, outside words) to please keep their voices down. I still have not seen an unreasonable amount of trash considering that the building is completely full. I have pictures but I can’t find my USB cable to connect my memory card drive. No vandalism and no I am not going to check up on people in the bathrooms! The guys will get the wrong idea and the women nowadays are dangerous. They all have tattoos, piercings, pepper spray, or they can just kick my butt. Linda isn’t here to protect me. If someone knows an area to watch let me know. I chased a couple of guys out of a stairwell I saw them go into that I knew led nowhere, but no real trouble just a lot of chatting. I think the stress and the caffeine are building up and it may get worse tomorrow. I may have to look for some library camouflage or wear a ball cap and go under cover as a student. Things could start to get a bit dicey. I’ll have to watch my 6’s. Only a few more klicks to go tonight and I can hit the sack.

This is Ref Base One signing off.

Semper Scholaris Librorum

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I am way to tired for Midnight

The building is packed. I have never seen it so full before. There were some noise and water gun fights on the second floor but apparently UPD was called and it was taken care of. Its times like these that try librarians’ souls. I wonder why I became a librarian. I figured that since I needed to start writing every day, that I would start a couple of Blogs. The serious professional one is not ready yet. The other one you can find at:

http://himynameisphil.blogspot.com/

Monday, December 11, 2006

The Night Comes to an end.

I’m fading fast. The library is clearing out but there are still a good number of natives left. They got Johnson the poor b@$+@rd. I tried to save him put there were to many. I’m down to my last can of Full Throttle. I swear if drink anymore caffeine I’ll puke. I wonder which computer tech they’ll send up to clean my keyboard? So far all has been quiet. I helped some more people get connected and settled some people down and helped some others. Everybody keeps calling me sir and I am not even wearing a tie. I can’t be that old. Anyway there does not appear to be any damage or messes other than what a well used building should have. I am beginning to think that it is not why do we let them make a mess like this during finals but why isn’t the library like this every week.R Philip zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz